Why does Trump Have A Problem With Women?

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.25.19 AMIt’s a scene that can be played out on televisions everywhere:

Child enters the room (waaay past her bedtime) and in the most adorable of ways drops this little gem:

“Daddy, what’s a b*#ch?”

Dad knows the drill all too well, giving his wife the “it wasn’t me” look while hoping to God the child didn’t hear it from him.

“Where did you hear that word?” Dad asks, demanding an answer, but not really because there lies the very real possibility that one simple word will basically guarantee the panicky father many nights in the doghouse:


Cue the lame laugh track.

Thanks to Donald Trump and his sad trail of misogyny, degradation of women and racism (to name a few of his deplorable qualities), dads like the example above now have the ultimate scapegoat. See how differently the scene plays out when you apply the Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method to such a scenario:

Cut to child entering the room.

“Daddy, what’s a b*#ch?”

Dad gets angry, looks at mommy.

“You see! This is what happens when we let the kids watch Trump debates! He’s starting to rub off on her!”

Dad leaves room in disgust (a brilliant move in the event dad wants to laugh). Dad then opens the fridge (looking for a beer):

“That’s another reason we’re not voting for Trump!” he yells at the grapes.

All joking aside, this isn’t some made-up television show with a fake laugh track. This is real. And based on last Monday night’s debate performance, Trump’s a guy that’s unprepared, unrefined, unfiltered and unfocused. Hell, he may have spent more time talking about a woman’s weight and (I can’t believe I’m typing this) Rosie O’Donnell than to better explain his policies that would “Make America Great Again.”

“Why is that man so angry?” my 4-year-old asks, staring at the Dorito-faced man with the feathered front comb over.

“The woman in red is kicking his, uh, is much smarter than he is and it makes him angry.” My God, it’s starting to rub off on me!

Any child will ask a ton of questions. But what happens when my older daughters start asking tougher questions. Like, “What is the big freaking deal with Trump and women? Why does he seem to have a *problem with us?”

*There are 134,000,000 search results when you Bing the following phrase: Trump’s Issues With Women.

I might not be the smartest parent in my house, but I’m pretty sure about this: I wouldn’t want anyone, much less a presidential candidate, talking about one of my daughters the way Trump has talked about some women. In a world rife with bullies, body shaming and perverted Internet trolls, hearing Trump describe former Miss Universe Alicia Machado as Miss Piggy, Miss Housekeeping or an eating machine makes my skin crawl.

Realize, people, that I’m not even talking about his politics. And for Trump, that’s a huge problem. It’s a problem because that’s what we should be discussing. Instead, he’s citing phony polls, defending his actions and threatening to bring up Bill Clinton’s infidelities as a way to play mind games before the next debate.

And for some odd reason we continue to give him a free pass for this odd behavior/strategy. What if we all took a page from Donald and applied his Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method for all of our discrepancies?

  • Your daughter learned a new cuss word because you didn’t change the channel from Howard Stern? Blame it on satellite radio technology!
  • Don’t want to pay your Federal taxes? Disagree with how the government uses the money and don’t pay!

You see, by applying the Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method, you can skirt any issue and deflect the way Donald has his entire career. With enough practice, you, too, may find yourself blaming a microphone, a mean debate moderator, a Mexican-American judge, the liberal media, etc.

Believe me, this is not an endorsement for Hillary Clinton as much as this is an appeal for decency and respect. Want to know why Trump has dragged this election into the pits of Kardashia? Because we’re suckers for this type of content, that’s why. We’re a growing population of timeline-scrolling zombies with the attention spans of cats on crack. We’re fascinated with wreck on the side of the road, which is why so many people watched last Monday’s debate – we were waiting for the wreck and Trump came through!

Many people feel that we don’t have quality candidates this election cycle. My response is, uh, yeah, we actually did. But we sold ourselves short by choosing the entertainment value of a Trump candidacy over qualified candidates who actually respected the office they were seeking.

If we want better candidates, then we have to be better, too. And it starts at home with me. You. We try and teach our kids right from wrong and that doing the right thing is important. We want them to treat others the way they expect to be treated. And that includes the way this dad wants his daughter’s to be treated.

It’s hard to take a candidate and his policies seriously when he can’t seem to take women seriously.

Dorito-faced man in suit enters the Oval Office, sits on gold-plated chair.

“I asked you to bring me my coffee, you fat cow,” Trump barks.

Enter a panting Chris Christie holding a coffee cup. He stares off into the distance, wondering how a once-promising career led him to be Donald Trump’s b*#ch.

Cue sad music. Fade to black.

New book – Pancakes For Dinner! (Waldorf Press) – out September 15, 2017. Follow me on Twitter @phillipdcortez


Editing a Trump Speech

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.25.19 AM
Cartoonists Overseas Take On Trump – POLITICO MAGAZINE

Editing one of Trump’s *speeches would probably be akin to saving him from himself…

“My fellow Americans. Enough is enough. I know that right now we are a country divided, that many of you are upset at our loser president your government. And I’d like to take this opportunity to ease the tensions that have come to a boil during this very atypical election cycle. It’s time to turn down the heat, stop the aggressive rhetoric (even though Trump rallies will be more sleep-inducing than a conversation with Ben Carson), and bring calm to the political process.”

“And it starts with those loser Bernie disrupters and their professionally made signs me. As the GOP frontrunner I have listened to an amazing number of Republicans, Independents and even on-the-fence Democrats who are sick and tired of the way their government has been working for them. You’ve turned out at my rallies in droves because, let’s face it, you totally love me and I don’t blame you. More importantly you’ve turned up at the voting booth, giving Team Trump a commanding grasp of the nomination as we look to Make My Version Of America Great Again!”

“I’d like to take this opportunity to speak directly to those weak, pathetic losers protesters out there. As the candidate that is looking to divide unite this party, I want to let you know that I am just as angry as you are; I completely do not understand where you are coming from (although the vast majority of you ignorant weaklings will never know what it’s like to be me).  Let’s pretend for a moment that I have no interest in raising the minimum wage talk about why you’re angry and how I can laugh listen and figure out how we can come to a middle ground.”

“Let me take this opportunity to ensure everyone that I am not a racist although I’m totally playing the race card to my advantage. I do not condone racism nor do I condone that my supporters engage in harmful behavior at my clan rallies. Violence to blacks, Muslims and those damn Mexicans will not be tolerated. It cannot be tolerated and I promise to make sure that those participating in a violent manner will have their legal fees paid for – that’s a promise – be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

“Let me also acknowledge that it’s totally not my fault I am largely to blame for the tension you see at my rallies. My tone, my aggression and my fetus-like hands rhetoric plays to your fears, allowing a crap load more votes for me an ugly and grotesque sense of hate to rear its ugly Ted Cruz-like head from this nation’s underbelly.”

For example, Many of you are upset at the notion that I aim to build a very high wall to keep out those bastard Mexicans looking to do harm to our country. Some of you who are out there disrupting on behalf of Bernie Sanders protesting at my rallies find it absurd at the notion that I’d make Mexico pay for it. And you’re also super irked at the fact that I plan on a “complete shutdown” of Muslims entering the United States. I swear on Baron’s inheritance that I’ll make this happen, by the way. Again, my racist statements and lies play into your fears. I know that a high percentage of my voter base are losers, just sad, really feels that immigration is an important issue. And this is why I have said that I will deport the roughly 11 million illegal criminals immigrants living in this country. I completely denounce any affiliation to hate groups or acts of hatred towards minorities, even though some of my supporters appear to be aligned with this hateful ideology.”

“The bottom line is that I am willing to say and do anything short of provide detailed strategies to how I will implement any kind of a plan a uniter that’s willing to do anything that I can to get free media attention for the great working, Middle Class. I know that this is a group that I have more in common with a ferret than these losers great admiration, respect and, you know, a deep sense of their anger. And I have to be honest for a change: nobody loves Trump more than Trump America more than I do.” 

“From now on I will make sure to take the political process more seriously and stop shilling all of the wildly successful products that tout the Trump name. I mean that sincerely. I’m a demagogue man that has nothing better to do has the power to not only unite a party, but a nation. It’s time for me to ensure that somehow I stay relevant in a society that scrolls through trends faster than a teenager flips through the timeline on a smartphone together we can move forward in a positive manner.”

Justin Bieber John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer.’ I’m here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that I am that answer! And together we shall overcome our differences and truly Make America Great Again! Thank you and May The Force Be With You God Bless America!” 

*Obviously this is a fake speech, as Trump prefers to spin his hate freestyle.


Summer Son, published by Floricanto Pressis coming out soon! Follow me @phillipdcortez


Is this America?


The children we turn our backs to today will go grow up tomorrow. And they’ll hate us.

I’m thinking of an object…

Before I get to that object, I’d like to introduce you to Lindsay Toi-Bourseau, a Parisian girl who couldn’t be older than 16. Out of the chaos, the utter nightmare, of the terrorist attacks on Paris surfaced Lindsay’s lonely voice, stopping me in my tracks and, giving me one of those “holy shit” moments that provide a sense of clarity, some light in a sea of darkness, even some hope. She was interviewed in a Mashable article by Tim Chester called Voices from Paris: Parisians reflect on whether the attacks will dim the City of Light.

Lindsay: “I’m not sure that bombings [in Syria] are the best way to react. Those people did it because they didn’t feel part of our society. They feel rejected. So we have to include them in our environment to avoid another attack like this. We have to integrate them.”

We have to read Toi-Bourseau’s quote in its proper context. For years there has been a serious rift between Muslims of Algerian decent living in France and the greater French community. Muslims have felt disenfranchised, on the fringe and never truly a part of French society partly due to a principle called laïcité, or secularism, according to a recent NPR article. Laws designed to separate church and state as a way for different faiths to co-exist, according to the article, has alienating effects for the nearly 5 million Muslims living in France, including laws that prevent them from practicing their religion (from mandating pork in school in lunches to preventing religious headgear in public schools). Such laws are in direct conflict to what Toi-Bourseau is talking about when she calls for inclusion and integration.

Back in the United States it was only natural to be outraged after such a tragedy, myself included. For Americans watching on television and refreshing their social media feeds, these attacks on innocent people of this magnitude peeled back the scab of 9/11. And while we showed our support for the French by changing our profile pictures, writing messages about love and peace and prayers, many Americans have made the mistake of equating refugees with terrorists. While French President Francois Hollande justifiably turned it up a notch in Syria, ordering bombing campaigns and combing through every neighborhood in the country in widespread raids to find anyone remotely responsible for these attacks, we turned up our rhetoric against terrorism by turning our backs on thousands of innocent women and children in dire need of our help.

That object I refer to comes in different shapes and sizes, it helps us gain perspective and gives us a dose of reality when we really need it…

Last Monday, the same day the Mashable story was posted featuring Toi-Bourseau’s quote, 31 U.S. Governors stated that they would not accept refugees from Syria, vowing to slow down any effort the Obama Administration is making to allow 10,000 Syrians into the United States. In turning our backs on them, we have to consider what the long-term effects could mean. Because the children we turn our backs on today will grow up tomorrow. And they’ll hate us. But someone will be there to lend them a hand, make no mistake about it. The question is, whose hand will that be? History has shown us that terrorist recruiters go after the young, the impressionable, the disenfranchised, the people living in the fringe. People who seem to equate the helping of innocent men, women and children live a better life in the United States to fostering terrorism on our own soil suffer from a clouded sense of reality in the same way Donald Trump thinks he can relate to the common voter. The fact that he’s even hinted at the creation of a Muslim identification system should be as alarming to us as Jews forced to identify themselves with a Star of David patch during Nazi Germany.

And while a great many of Americans in support of this buffoon and people like him have trouble finding the difference between reality television, entertainment and politics, while our politicians continue to debate over how to proceed (although I have to applaud U.S. Congressman Beto O’Rourke for his progressive steps in trying to assist those in need), the rest of the world is already taking action.

Less than a week after the attacks on its very own soil, France agreed to allow roughly 10,000 Syrians inside its borders so that it may provide them with refuge from constant shelling and warfare. On Saturday, Canada pledged to allow 25,000 refugees over a 6-week period. More countries are opening their doors.

In the United States we have prided ourselves on such inclusion. But it’s pretty obvious we still have a looong way to go. And while many feel that the United States has a tendency to stick its nose in the world’s problems (even though some feel that Obama has not done enough in the effort to suppress ISIS), we are also missing out on an incredible opportunity to correct some of our own wrongs.

We have a tendency to oversimplify the state of world affairs. We like to tell the story about how the West is fighting the good fight between terrorist groups like ISIS, the Taliban and al-Qaeda to name a few. But we never like to discuss what role we may have played in how these groups were formed – and why they hate us so much. We pride ourselves on being the melting pot, where ideas, hopes and dreams are shared and realized.

So what happened to that United States? In the book, Hot, Flat and Crowded, Thhomas Friedman suggests that America lost its “groove” after 9/11. “An America living in a defensive crouch cannot fully tap the vast rivers of idealism, innovation, volunteerism, and philanthropy that still flow through our nation.”

The object I’m thinking about doesn’t lie…

Since when was it considered a weakness to want peace, to want to help people in need, not as Americans leading some global charge or taking on the world’s problems but from a humanistic standpoint? Where is our humanity when we’re willing to let innocents die because it’s not in our economic or political interests?

Is this America?

I know it’s only human to want justice. ISIS and all terrorists need to be punished for their crimes. It’s also human nature to want peace, to find an alternative, albeit in our world today, a less popular, more difficult alternative, to war. And that’s why this girl’s quote from 11.16 was so striking to me.

At some point we have to consider the fact that the path we have been taking for generations has not worked. Maybe it’s time we at least consider this audacious notion of peace brought about by a kid from Paris. Or that we consider another view on striving for peace from Malala Yousafzai: “With guns you can fight terrorists, with education you can fight terrorism.”

It all starts with that object I was talking about, though. It’s called a mirror. Maybe we should first begin by looking into it?

Special thanks to Zeyad Maasarani, who writes for DemocracyBlogger.com, for contributing to this piece. And to Nevine Zaki, an Egyptian who grew up in Paris, for offering her insight.

Donald Trump and The Pope walk into a bar…

Trump vs Francis
Donald Trump has taken a divisive approach in his run at the presidency. Meanwhile Pope Francis is becoming a cult hero to non-Catholics and even atheists.

While Donald Trump continues to dominate the headlines (and enjoy free publicity while he’s at it) in his attempt to become the most powerful leader in the world, another man remains quiet. Pope Francis, leader of Catholics all over the world, prepares for his visit to the United States in September, almost covertly, thanks in large part to the headlines Trump continues to create.

Francis and Trump mentioned in the same breath might sound sacrilegious to some, the perfect opening to a joke for others: Donald Trump and the Pope walk into a bar…

But when National Public Radio, in its preparation of the pontiff’s visit next month, polled non-Catholics about what they thought of Pope Francis, I couldn’t help but think about The Donald (in a not so flattering light, though). Both men have money. While we all know Trump is worth billions,El Papa ain’t living in a single room efficiency. The two wield much power (though one man serves a higher power for a living). Trump is the king of his own empire while Francis teaches the ways of the “King of kings.”

I found myself both happy yet painfully frustrated at the same time after trolling through some of the comments on the NPR Facebook post:

“I’m an atheist and I think he’s a wonderful humanist.” — Charles Wright

Pope Francis is a great world leader, for Catholics and all others. He’s the first pope to actually take a universalist view, much like the Dalai Lama.” — Steve Johnson

I’m non-Catholic and think that Pope Francis is one of the most awesome leaders around today. He’s both compassionate and progressive. His humility is refreshing!” — Victoria S. Jessie

“Pope Francis is love incarnate…He is bringing back a more compassionate way of thinking about Christianity that is needed right now to soften the religious right. Too bad they’re not listening.” — Deborah Waggett

The praise continued; the more I read the more relieved and hopeful I felt. As a Catholic I know what it’s like to have to defend my faith, accept the church’s horrible mistakes in the wake of what seems like are endless allegations of abuse and coverups. That non-Catholics and even atheists think my pope is cool is… cool!

Now my frustration: Shouldn’t we deserve a candidate that elicits similar sentiment, someone who unifies and doesn’t divide? Someone who turns non-believers into believers?

That candidate is most certainly not Donald Trump.

Trump is a man who has taken a completely different approach on his way to his promised land on Pennsylvania Avenue. Divisive and bombastic in his rhetoric, Trump is the antithesis of Pope Francis’s simple yet profound view on our world, from equality to our environment in addition to our spirituality.

While Francis has taken a humanistic approach, which by definition places emphasis on human potential and rational ways we can solve our problems together, Trump is a divider who wants to build a huge wall along the U.S.-Mexican border and take away citizenship to those born in this country to undocumented parents.

While Trump seems to be making more enemies than friends these days (Jorge Ramos and Megyn Kelly to name a few), the rise in Trump memesposted to social media has certainly spiked dramatically.

As much as I try not to get too riled up over politics and religion in the first place, I’m a little pissed that for all of the hatred and vitriol that Trump seems to be getting on social media, people who love him are going to the polls. His numbers do not lie. Equally upsetting to me is that there is not one other candidate outside of Bernie Sanders right now that can stop this guy’s momentum; what used to be a joke is starting to get serious, as many Americans and the world at-large begin to collectively wonder, “What if?”

And before anyone throws Hillary’s name out their, we should all remember that she has more than a few skeletons in her closet. A Trump vs Clinton election would turn into a shit show for the entire world to see; it’d be more of a global embarrassment than North Korea thinking Dennis Rodman was a diplomat.

Maybe what the rest of these candidates need to do is take a few notes on how Pope Francis conducts himself during his trip to the U.S. Heck, maybe even Trump can learn how a real world leader should act. As far-fetched as it may seem, I like the idea of Pope Francis walking into a bar with Donald Trump and having a toast to such concepts like inclusion, fairness, equality, love for our planet and for each other over a smooth bourbon and holy water.

Sadly, that would never happen — Francis is from Argentina. Trump would just have him deported.