Baby Names and Strippers: A Father’s Dilemma

A nugget of knowledge you’ll never find in any of those baby names books or parenting manuals: When choosing a name for your baby girl, never, not under any circumstances should you ever, give her a stripper’s name.

Just as important to the above rule: do not pretend to think that I do not know what I’m talking about, no matter whether if this is your first child or you’re at Octomom status. The fact is that we all go through our own filtering process when it comes to naming our children. And women, I think it’s important that you understand that us guys have a slightly different filtering process than you do, especially when it comes to naming our daughters.

My wife and I are expecting a baby girl, which in itself brings about a plethora of challenges that I wouldn’t have had if we were having a boy. But naming her requires more care and scrutiny than Lindsey Lohan’s psyche. Now, I know some of you ladies might think this sounds crazy but consider the male species for a second. Exactly.

Name her after my mother? That could cause an imbalance in The Force, leaving my mother-in-law feeling hurt, thus, causing an emotional trickle-down effect that merely wings my wife but then hits me square on the chin (amongst other places). And that’s not a good thing for me.

Suggest or agree to a name that happens to belong to an ex girlfriend? Suicide. Some guys have to go through a long “do not call” list, if you know what I mean. It’s imperative that we check that list twice.

And that leads me to strippers. Names like Trixy, Roxy, Candy and Puma are no-brainers. But it gets more difficult the normal the name, which is why any guy who knows what he’s doing has to – in private or mentally if the opportunity to be alone doesn’t present itself – give it the old Strip Club DJ test. That’s right, it’s exactly what it sounds like, simply utter the following phrase: GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE ON STAGE # 1, SAY HELLO TO (insert name here)!

Go ahead and do it. Use the name, Delilah. See what I mean?

And as long as a guy is going to do his due diligence when naming his baby angel, ladies, it’s important to ensure that your daughter doesn’t have a porn star name. This, of course, requires extensive research, something you can do together! Or not. I heard a rumor that the Internet has a wide variety of resources available, especially from Japan.

Taking all of the above into consideration, I have no idea what the hell we’re going to name our daughter. And given the fact that I will at some point cause her embarrassment as she gets into adolescence – I think about how my dad tucks in his sweater into his shorts – I most certainly don’t want to screw it up right at the beginning of her life by giving her a name that will make her the laughing stock amongst her schoolmates. And we most certainly know how cruel kids at school can be.

I knew a girl named Gina whom everyone dubbed Va-Gina and that was Kindergarten! OK it was college but still. I don’t want that kind of cruelty applied to my daughters.

God I hope that this isn’t what my friends and relatives meant when, after telling them that we were having our third girl, that payback was a bitch. But it was, wasn’t it?

Man, I’m so screwed.