Why does Trump Have A Problem With Women?

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.25.19 AMIt’s a scene that can be played out on televisions everywhere:

Child enters the room (waaay past her bedtime) and in the most adorable of ways drops this little gem:

“Daddy, what’s a b*#ch?”

Dad knows the drill all too well, giving his wife the “it wasn’t me” look while hoping to God the child didn’t hear it from him.

“Where did you hear that word?” Dad asks, demanding an answer, but not really because there lies the very real possibility that one simple word will basically guarantee the panicky father many nights in the doghouse:


Cue the lame laugh track.

Thanks to Donald Trump and his sad trail of misogyny, degradation of women and racism (to name a few of his deplorable qualities), dads like the example above now have the ultimate scapegoat. See how differently the scene plays out when you apply the Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method to such a scenario:

Cut to child entering the room.

“Daddy, what’s a b*#ch?”

Dad gets angry, looks at mommy.

“You see! This is what happens when we let the kids watch Trump debates! He’s starting to rub off on her!”

Dad leaves room in disgust (a brilliant move in the event dad wants to laugh). Dad then opens the fridge (looking for a beer):

“That’s another reason we’re not voting for Trump!” he yells at the grapes.

All joking aside, this isn’t some made-up television show with a fake laugh track. This is real. And based on last Monday night’s debate performance, Trump’s a guy that’s unprepared, unrefined, unfiltered and unfocused. Hell, he may have spent more time talking about a woman’s weight and (I can’t believe I’m typing this) Rosie O’Donnell than to better explain his policies that would “Make America Great Again.”

“Why is that man so angry?” my 4-year-old asks, staring at the Dorito-faced man with the feathered front comb over.

“The woman in red is kicking his, uh, is much smarter than he is and it makes him angry.” My God, it’s starting to rub off on me!

Any child will ask a ton of questions. But what happens when my older daughters start asking tougher questions. Like, “What is the big freaking deal with Trump and women? Why does he seem to have a *problem with us?”

*There are 134,000,000 search results when you Bing the following phrase: Trump’s Issues With Women.

I might not be the smartest parent in my house, but I’m pretty sure about this: I wouldn’t want anyone, much less a presidential candidate, talking about one of my daughters the way Trump has talked about some women. In a world rife with bullies, body shaming and perverted Internet trolls, hearing Trump describe former Miss Universe Alicia Machado as Miss Piggy, Miss Housekeeping or an eating machine makes my skin crawl.

Realize, people, that I’m not even talking about his politics. And for Trump, that’s a huge problem. It’s a problem because that’s what we should be discussing. Instead, he’s citing phony polls, defending his actions and threatening to bring up Bill Clinton’s infidelities as a way to play mind games before the next debate.

And for some odd reason we continue to give him a free pass for this odd behavior/strategy. What if we all took a page from Donald and applied his Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method for all of our discrepancies?

  • Your daughter learned a new cuss word because you didn’t change the channel from Howard Stern? Blame it on satellite radio technology!
  • Don’t want to pay your Federal taxes? Disagree with how the government uses the money and don’t pay!

You see, by applying the Trumped Up, Trickle Blame Down method, you can skirt any issue and deflect the way Donald has his entire career. With enough practice, you, too, may find yourself blaming a microphone, a mean debate moderator, a Mexican-American judge, the liberal media, etc.

Believe me, this is not an endorsement for Hillary Clinton as much as this is an appeal for decency and respect. Want to know why Trump has dragged this election into the pits of Kardashia? Because we’re suckers for this type of content, that’s why. We’re a growing population of timeline-scrolling zombies with the attention spans of cats on crack. We’re fascinated with wreck on the side of the road, which is why so many people watched last Monday’s debate – we were waiting for the wreck and Trump came through!

Many people feel that we don’t have quality candidates this election cycle. My response is, uh, yeah, we actually did. But we sold ourselves short by choosing the entertainment value of a Trump candidacy over qualified candidates who actually respected the office they were seeking.

If we want better candidates, then we have to be better, too. And it starts at home with me. You. We try and teach our kids right from wrong and that doing the right thing is important. We want them to treat others the way they expect to be treated. And that includes the way this dad wants his daughter’s to be treated.

It’s hard to take a candidate and his policies seriously when he can’t seem to take women seriously.

Dorito-faced man in suit enters the Oval Office, sits on gold-plated chair.

“I asked you to bring me my coffee, you fat cow,” Trump barks.

Enter a panting Chris Christie holding a coffee cup. He stares off into the distance, wondering how a once-promising career led him to be Donald Trump’s b*#ch.

Cue sad music. Fade to black.

New book – Pancakes For Dinner! (Waldorf Press) – out September 15, 2017. Follow me on Twitter @phillipdcortez


Donald Trump and The Pope walk into a bar…

Trump vs Francis
Donald Trump has taken a divisive approach in his run at the presidency. Meanwhile Pope Francis is becoming a cult hero to non-Catholics and even atheists.

While Donald Trump continues to dominate the headlines (and enjoy free publicity while he’s at it) in his attempt to become the most powerful leader in the world, another man remains quiet. Pope Francis, leader of Catholics all over the world, prepares for his visit to the United States in September, almost covertly, thanks in large part to the headlines Trump continues to create.

Francis and Trump mentioned in the same breath might sound sacrilegious to some, the perfect opening to a joke for others: Donald Trump and the Pope walk into a bar…

But when National Public Radio, in its preparation of the pontiff’s visit next month, polled non-Catholics about what they thought of Pope Francis, I couldn’t help but think about The Donald (in a not so flattering light, though). Both men have money. While we all know Trump is worth billions,El Papa ain’t living in a single room efficiency. The two wield much power (though one man serves a higher power for a living). Trump is the king of his own empire while Francis teaches the ways of the “King of kings.”

I found myself both happy yet painfully frustrated at the same time after trolling through some of the comments on the NPR Facebook post:

“I’m an atheist and I think he’s a wonderful humanist.” — Charles Wright

Pope Francis is a great world leader, for Catholics and all others. He’s the first pope to actually take a universalist view, much like the Dalai Lama.” — Steve Johnson

I’m non-Catholic and think that Pope Francis is one of the most awesome leaders around today. He’s both compassionate and progressive. His humility is refreshing!” — Victoria S. Jessie

“Pope Francis is love incarnate…He is bringing back a more compassionate way of thinking about Christianity that is needed right now to soften the religious right. Too bad they’re not listening.” — Deborah Waggett

The praise continued; the more I read the more relieved and hopeful I felt. As a Catholic I know what it’s like to have to defend my faith, accept the church’s horrible mistakes in the wake of what seems like are endless allegations of abuse and coverups. That non-Catholics and even atheists think my pope is cool is… cool!

Now my frustration: Shouldn’t we deserve a candidate that elicits similar sentiment, someone who unifies and doesn’t divide? Someone who turns non-believers into believers?

That candidate is most certainly not Donald Trump.

Trump is a man who has taken a completely different approach on his way to his promised land on Pennsylvania Avenue. Divisive and bombastic in his rhetoric, Trump is the antithesis of Pope Francis’s simple yet profound view on our world, from equality to our environment in addition to our spirituality.

While Francis has taken a humanistic approach, which by definition places emphasis on human potential and rational ways we can solve our problems together, Trump is a divider who wants to build a huge wall along the U.S.-Mexican border and take away citizenship to those born in this country to undocumented parents.

While Trump seems to be making more enemies than friends these days (Jorge Ramos and Megyn Kelly to name a few), the rise in Trump memesposted to social media has certainly spiked dramatically.

As much as I try not to get too riled up over politics and religion in the first place, I’m a little pissed that for all of the hatred and vitriol that Trump seems to be getting on social media, people who love him are going to the polls. His numbers do not lie. Equally upsetting to me is that there is not one other candidate outside of Bernie Sanders right now that can stop this guy’s momentum; what used to be a joke is starting to get serious, as many Americans and the world at-large begin to collectively wonder, “What if?”

And before anyone throws Hillary’s name out their, we should all remember that she has more than a few skeletons in her closet. A Trump vs Clinton election would turn into a shit show for the entire world to see; it’d be more of a global embarrassment than North Korea thinking Dennis Rodman was a diplomat.

Maybe what the rest of these candidates need to do is take a few notes on how Pope Francis conducts himself during his trip to the U.S. Heck, maybe even Trump can learn how a real world leader should act. As far-fetched as it may seem, I like the idea of Pope Francis walking into a bar with Donald Trump and having a toast to such concepts like inclusion, fairness, equality, love for our planet and for each other over a smooth bourbon and holy water.

Sadly, that would never happen — Francis is from Argentina. Trump would just have him deported.