Editing a Trump Speech

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Cartoonists Overseas Take On Trump – POLITICO MAGAZINE

Editing one of Trump’s *speeches would probably be akin to saving him from himself…

“My fellow Americans. Enough is enough. I know that right now we are a country divided, that many of you are upset at our loser president your government. And I’d like to take this opportunity to ease the tensions that have come to a boil during this very atypical election cycle. It’s time to turn down the heat, stop the aggressive rhetoric (even though Trump rallies will be more sleep-inducing than a conversation with Ben Carson), and bring calm to the political process.”

“And it starts with those loser Bernie disrupters and their professionally made signs me. As the GOP frontrunner I have listened to an amazing number of Republicans, Independents and even on-the-fence Democrats who are sick and tired of the way their government has been working for them. You’ve turned out at my rallies in droves because, let’s face it, you totally love me and I don’t blame you. More importantly you’ve turned up at the voting booth, giving Team Trump a commanding grasp of the nomination as we look to Make My Version Of America Great Again!”

“I’d like to take this opportunity to speak directly to those weak, pathetic losers protesters out there. As the candidate that is looking to divide unite this party, I want to let you know that I am just as angry as you are; I completely do not understand where you are coming from (although the vast majority of you ignorant weaklings will never know what it’s like to be me).  Let’s pretend for a moment that I have no interest in raising the minimum wage talk about why you’re angry and how I can laugh listen and figure out how we can come to a middle ground.”

“Let me take this opportunity to ensure everyone that I am not a racist although I’m totally playing the race card to my advantage. I do not condone racism nor do I condone that my supporters engage in harmful behavior at my clan rallies. Violence to blacks, Muslims and those damn Mexicans will not be tolerated. It cannot be tolerated and I promise to make sure that those participating in a violent manner will have their legal fees paid for – that’s a promise – be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

“Let me also acknowledge that it’s totally not my fault I am largely to blame for the tension you see at my rallies. My tone, my aggression and my fetus-like hands rhetoric plays to your fears, allowing a crap load more votes for me an ugly and grotesque sense of hate to rear its ugly Ted Cruz-like head from this nation’s underbelly.”

For example, Many of you are upset at the notion that I aim to build a very high wall to keep out those bastard Mexicans looking to do harm to our country. Some of you who are out there disrupting on behalf of Bernie Sanders protesting at my rallies find it absurd at the notion that I’d make Mexico pay for it. And you’re also super irked at the fact that I plan on a “complete shutdown” of Muslims entering the United States. I swear on Baron’s inheritance that I’ll make this happen, by the way. Again, my racist statements and lies play into your fears. I know that a high percentage of my voter base are losers, just sad, really feels that immigration is an important issue. And this is why I have said that I will deport the roughly 11 million illegal criminals immigrants living in this country. I completely denounce any affiliation to hate groups or acts of hatred towards minorities, even though some of my supporters appear to be aligned with this hateful ideology.”

“The bottom line is that I am willing to say and do anything short of provide detailed strategies to how I will implement any kind of a plan a uniter that’s willing to do anything that I can to get free media attention for the great working, Middle Class. I know that this is a group that I have more in common with a ferret than these losers great admiration, respect and, you know, a deep sense of their anger. And I have to be honest for a change: nobody loves Trump more than Trump America more than I do.” 

“From now on I will make sure to take the political process more seriously and stop shilling all of the wildly successful products that tout the Trump name. I mean that sincerely. I’m a demagogue man that has nothing better to do has the power to not only unite a party, but a nation. It’s time for me to ensure that somehow I stay relevant in a society that scrolls through trends faster than a teenager flips through the timeline on a smartphone together we can move forward in a positive manner.”

Justin Bieber John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer.’ I’m here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that I am that answer! And together we shall overcome our differences and truly Make America Great Again! Thank you and May The Force Be With You God Bless America!” 

*Obviously this is a fake speech, as Trump prefers to spin his hate freestyle.


Summer Son, published by Floricanto Pressis coming out soon! Follow me @phillipdcortez



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