A Conversation with Jesus

We’re fresh off another Easter holiday and who better to talk to than our good friend and savior, Jesus Christ. Now, as you may well imagine, the Big JC is quite the busy deity these days. I’d like to thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions.

JC: That’s quite all right; it’s a pleasure to be here.

If I may, I have a few questions to ask you.

JC: Nail me with ‘em.

It’s an election year and there’s a lot of talk about equality and marriage. The homosexual community has long fought for equal rights, which is the central reasoning behind the gay marriage movement. Many people have spoken out against such action on your behalf, citing Bible verses and promises of hellfire. What’s your take on the matter?

JC: You know it’s amazing. I look back on when I first started preaching there were so many people that didn’t understand what I was all about. There were righteous people and old-school clerics that labeled me a heretic. All I ever wanted people to do was love each other and treat others the same way they wanted to be treated – nothing more, nothing less. You in the Western world call this The Golden Rule, no?

Yes, Your Majesty.

JC: You can dispense with the theatrics, my son.

Sorry, I’m a little intimidated. It’s just that you know everything about me. I mean everything.

JC: People can quote scripture that was interpreted and written by man all they want. There has never been an amendment to The Golden Rule; it applies to everyone equally. I never said that only certain people deserved my Father’s grace – there’s more than enough love for everyone to go around. And when you love each other, you respect each other.

Why is it that people from different faiths, namely Muslims, Christians and Jews, fail to see eye to eye? If love means to respect, why has there been such turmoil and violence amongst these groups throughout history?

JC: In a nutshell? It’s like having three world-renowned chefs trying to cook the same dish using the same kitchen and the same food using the same tools. It makes for good theater and I have to admit, you guys can be so comical in your ignorance. Just the other day I was commenting to my Father at how fascinating it is that his children have such a willingness to repeat history’s failures. So much blood has been shed as you continue to focus on your differences when you have always had so much in common with one another. But I guess it all goes back to the Golden Rule.

With that said I have seen you create wonderful feasts when you work with each other instead of against each other. But more often than not you end up burning the entire meal.

In a roundabout way are you condemning Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for his “buying the groceries and making the meal” comment he made a few years ago when asked if he would consider hiring a General Manager?

JC: Who’s he?

We won’t waste your time on that one. But continuing with sports, how do you feel about athletes genuflecting before every pitch, using their celebrity and the moment as a platform for their religious beliefs? Do you show favoritism to such athletes?

JC: I favor anyone who believes in me, whether that person writes it on a forehead, genuflects 20 times before every pitch or just keeps it to his or herself. But I don’t play favorites. And although it’s nice to see athletes acknowledge me, I want people to accept me into their lives because that is what is in their own hearts, not because another athlete made it cool.

Jesus Christ, if you don’t play favorites, explain to me how in your dad’s name Tim Tebow is still an NFL quarterback. I mean you’ve seen the guy throw a football, right?

JC: Look, he’s a distant cousin, ok? I owed his dad a favor.

Well that certainly explains it. He’s almost bigger than the game, that Tebow.

JC: Yeah let’s just hope he stays on the right path. He wanted this attention and now he’s got it. One false move in the New York media market and he’ll get crucified.

Of course, you mean that figuratively, right?

JC: Of course

What do you think of Ray Allen coming off the bench for the Celtics?

JC: I think it’s a move that should prolong his career and give us instant offense. Look for him to be the Sixth Man of the Year Award next year. And look for the C’s to do some serious damage in the postseason.

Speaking of doing serious damage, I’m afraid of screwing up my kids. How do I keep them from hating me in the future, Jesus?

JC: I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Do I want to know?

JC: It might sting a bit but it’ll ultimately make you feel better.

OK let me have it.

JC: You’re more screwed up than they’ll ever be. That should give you some hope, right?

I suppose so. But I just read in the Huffington Post how one super couple potty-trained their 6-month old daughter by listening to Mozart. My kid throws a tantrum at the thought of the potty and she’s looking into Graduate schools.

JC: Your exaggerations amuse me. Just continue to have faith, my son. You contribute to your own demise when you start to lose your faith – even in yourself. In other words, don’t choke.

Like LeBron James in the Finals last year, right?

JC: Precisely. And speaking of Mozart, he’s doing a show later tonight that I want to see. I should get going now.

I really want to thank you for your time, Lord. I know you have a lot going on.

JC: Yeah there’s a nut in Syria I have to deal with. But first I have to make sure this whole North Korean rocket thing goes up in smoke.

Any parting words?

JC: Yes. As much as a parent loves a child, it’s microscopic in comparison to how much God loves his children on Earth. Don’t ever forget the Golden Rule and that it applies to everyone – equally.

Amen to that.

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