A Child Shall Lead Us?

Holy Jumping Jesus H. Christ did you see the miracle unfold before you? Did you see it flash across your very eyes, the story of the wee four-year-old preacher hootin’ and hollerin’ and slamming his fists and damn near speaking in tongues?

You’ll have to excuse my pal, Jed, here. He’s talking about little Kanon Tipton, who has taken the Internet by storm and appeared on the Today Show earlier this week. Some are actually proclaiming Tipton to be the world’s youngest preacher. In what most likely started out as a cute form of imitation at the age of two, it seems Tipton’s family is now promoting the kid as the next big evangelical star.

I’m telling you the kid’s a mini-messiah, some are sayin’, ‘specially my sinful self. Why, I saw that bible thumpin’ baby on the picture box and nearly shouted to the heavens above, HALLELUJAH!

Yeah, Jed, but don’t you think you’re getting a little too excited over this? I mean many kids imitate their parents. In this kid’s case, both his grandfather and his father are preachers. You don’t really think the little guy knows what the hell he’s talking about do you?

Now hold it right there, mister! You’re teetering on the edge of blasphemy, you with your smart talk. You, my friend, need a lesson in having faith. Why, how do you know the good Lord isn’t channeling himself through Preacher Kanon, sort of like the modern day Baby Jesus?

How do you know this isn’t a scam, or worse, some form of child exploitation? Wouldn’t it be nice to believe that each and every one of us, no matter who we are or where we come from, has the capability of channeling The Big Guy in the Sky with our every day actions of kindness towards others?

Ye of little faith! You have to learn how to open your heart and mind and accept the wee child for what he is – an angelic messenger of the Lord who’s come to shine a light and show us the error of our sinful ways!

Little faith? Look, Jed, there’s a difference between having faith and being dumb. For example, I have faith that should little Kanon’s parents keep booking him on the talk show circuit, they’re going to destroy him; Don’t you find it sad that he may never get to choose what he really wants out of life? How would you like it if that choice were made for you before you even reached Kindergarten?

Watching him on YouTube jump and holler and carry on, well, that’s all good theater. But do you really expect me to faithfully believe that Kanon knows the difference between rapture and the concept of eternity? That’s like, according to one comedian, being on death row and choosing a fortune cookie for your last meal (Come on, prosperous life…).

Oh I get it, you’re trying to be funny, huh? Well, there’s nothing funny about tempting fate, risking eternal hellfire for being a sceptic.

You mean skeptic.

That, too! If this kid was such a joke than what about those people clapping their hands and feeling the spirit of Jesus while Preacher Kanon pounds on the pulpit?

Yeah, seems a bit creepy to me, Jed. Hey, if the kid brings them closer to God, so be it. But what are they to think of the child when he starts rebelling? Will they claim that the red-horned devil done got a hold of him and cast him aside? At the end of the day we all need something to believe in. But looking at these people, I can’t tell the difference between them and those weird moms that spray tan their toddlers and dress them like drag queens in order to wear a tiara. I’m just not sure how healthy this is for the kid, you know?

Sweet Jesus it’s clear that you’re not ready to accept the presence of the Lord in young Kanon.

Jed, you should try accepting the presence of the Lord in the world around you, not just in this kid. Did you hear the story about the police officer in San Diego who, minutes before he was gunned down in a senseless killing, bought a 10-year-old boy he never met before some cookies from McDonald’s?

Your narrow-mindedness is going to be your undoing, my friend. I’m going to bow my head and pray for your soul this very minute…

Can someone give me an amen?

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